The Problem With Dogs
by Story Please
Summary: Sixth-Year Prefect Lucius Malfoy despises four-legged beasts, especially those of the canine variety. Just when proper, well-coiffed Lucius is not expecting it, he is brought face-to-face with a less-furry but no less fierce incarnation of his worst fear. Even though wet dog smell brings back terrible memories, will a trip to the Prefect's bath wash the slate clean? SB/LM


Round 5 Story Entry for Pride of Portree

Prompts: (word) endurance and (phrase) return the favour

Pride of Portree's Chosen Character: Lucius Malfoy

Beater 2 Assignment: Write about your team's chosen character in his sixth year

Author's Note: Goodness me! Is it Round 5 already? Get ready for something a little different this time as we delve into the strange and sordid Slytherin world of Lucius Malfoy and his unfortunate tendency to be a bit too fabulous for his own good.

* * *

 **The Problem With Dogs**

Lucius Malfoy was not a fan of quadrupeds, but dogs had to be the _worst_. Not only did they bark incessantly, but they bit... _hard_. While he would never admit to anyone the utter terror he'd experienced at the paws of a particularly nasty German shepherd as a child, it plagued him even now, at sixteen years of age. He still suffered from nightmares and flashbacks when he encountered certain scents or sounds. Needless to say, he'd been incredibly relieved when his father had blocked an initiative to allow dogs at Hogwarts.

Lucius believed that the only proper animals for school were birds, specifically owls. Narcissa Black, for example, who was a year behind him and had been betrothed to him from the time they'd been in nappies, had a beautiful snowy owl named Diana. A proper name for a proper bird for a proper lady. Lucius felt lucky that he had been matched so perfectly. While he didn't feel anything for Narcissa yet, he knew that this wasn't important.

His eagle owl, Hermes, was a fast flier, which was handy as Lucius posted regular letters home to his family. Etiquette swam through his blood and Lucius often wondered if, were his manners taken from him, there would be anything left.

The only thing that gave him pause was the tarnish brought upon the Black family name by one Sirius Black, who had the audacity to not only be Sorted into Gryffindor but was a right pain in the arse with the endurance to match his namesake. Luckily, the messy-haired Dog Star boy was only a cousin, and Narcissa would relinquish her maiden name once they wed. The thought of Sirius Black as a brother-in-law made Lucius want to vomit.

Narcissa's sister, Bellatrix... _behaved peculiarly_. Lucius had met Lord Voldemort, the _Messiah of the Wizarding World,_ twice already and watched Bellatrix dote on her _Master_. He knew what their furtive looks meant.

Abraxas Malfoy wanted only the best for Lucius. He had only positive things to say about the most powerful wizard in existence. Lucius wanted nothing more than to make his father proud and was excited about taking the Mark of Service once he turned seventeen. The mere thought his father's pride was enough to make him want to illegally Apparate to Lord Voldemort's fine villa in the countryside and beg (in a covertly and utterly Slytherin manner) to take the Mark immediately.

Lucius kept these surprisingly Gryffindor flights of fancy hidden under a refined and regal air. A number of other Slytherin students acknowledged him as their better and waited on him accordingly. They'd even begun calling him the Duke of the Dungeons. The Bloody Baron hadn't been amused, but it stuck. Lucius never encouraged anything, but he appreciated the benefits. He'd made Prefect again, and it was common knowledge that Professor Slughorn was putting Lucius in for Head Boy as soon as his fat fingers could slip the parchment in the voting box.

Lucius had an enviable life: money, power, good looks, high marks in all his classes (he was exempt from Muggle Studies for "personal beliefs" thanks to his parents, who had very Strong Opinions on that sort of hogwash), and he played a mean Keeper for Slytherin, much to the chagrin of the other Houses.

There was a reason that Slytherin had won the House Cup every year he'd been at school except for his first year (Hufflepuff had won due to extra credit awarded to them after raising mandrakes to aid Ireland in staving off a basilisk outbreak). Ravenclaw had gotten a close second several times, but everyone knew that second place was the first loser. Gryffindor, of course, was where it belonged: dead last. This year, which was nearly half over, was no different. Sirius Black and James Potter, who were somehow both popular and reviled in their house for their pranks, were mostly to blame.

Lucius cast a Tempus charm and grabbed his rucksack. It was nearly time for Advanced Charms class, and Professor Flitwick was a stickler for timely student attendance. He was fond of locking the door at the start of class to administer a pop quiz, only letting in late students afterwards with a zero for the day. Lucius admired this strictness and wished that some of the other professors would follow suit.

He was nearly to Flitwick's classroom when it happened.

He turned a corner and out of nowhere, something shorter than himself and covered with soot barreled into him. A smell that made his stomach curdle assaulted his senses as it brought back bad memories.

 _Ugh. It smells just like wet dog._

"Watch where you're going, mate!" shouted the boy, looking up defiantly at the Slytherin Prefect.

"You are aware that you are not allowed to run in the halls for precisely this reason, correct?" Lucius replied disdainfully, looking down his nose at the interloper as he brushed off his robes. "Good lord, you look almost like a dirty Muggle."

The boy was a bit taller than most second years, but still had that round boyishness about his face and was still waiting for his voice to drop. His hair was a black mess that shot out wildly from his scalp, but Lucius was not sure if this was natural or simply a horrifying side-effect of a spell.

Lucius pointed his wand and _Scourgified_ the boy as best he could, his eyes narrowing further when he realized who was under all the soot.

"My, my my, if it isn't Sirius Black," he said humorlessly. "How... appropriate that it would be _you_ under all this filth. I suppose it shouldn't surprise you that I also find it appropriate to take fifteen points from Gryffindor."

"Aw, c'mon, Lucie, don't be like that!" Sirius Black grinned roguishly and Lucius tried to ignore the strange twinge in his chest in response to the expression. For some reason, Sirius reminded him of a dog with its tongue lolling out. It made him want to flee in the opposite direction and not just out of fear.

"Just be glad that I don't have the time to report you to a teacher for being a bloody menace in the halls," Lucius hissed, his nostrils flaring as he realized that the sleeve of his school robes was not coming clean and it still stunk like tar. Black would pay for that later.

But as he reached the door to the classroom, the knob was stuck tight.

 _Damn. Of all the days…._

But there was nothing for it. Lucius knew better than to take the Walk of Shame to his seat. He was fairly lucky that no one else was in the hall. Making a very quick (and very Slytherin, he reminded himself) decision, he turned and retraced his steps to where Sirius Black was leaning against a wall, streaking blackness against the stone and coughing what looked like black soap bubbles. Grabbing him by the ear and grinning somewhat evilly as Sirius yelped loudly, Lucius dragged the Gryffindor student towards the moving staircases.

"Gerrof!" Sirius growled, coughing up another black tar bubble. "I ken walk, yeh know."

"Oh? You could have fooled me," Lucius replied with a sneer. "But since you've decided to ruin my day starting with my clothing and six years of perfect attendance to Charms class, I figured that I should return the favour."

"I'm not going to like this, am I?" Sirius grumbled, allowing himself to be pulled along. Lucius suppressed a snicker. If the Gryffindor boy had a tail, it would be drooping.

"Oh, I wouldn't say that," Lucius replied, "but you are in sore need of a bath, and from the looks of it, it will both do you good and be incredibly unpleasant for you. Of course, if you'd prefer, instead of forcing you to scrub behind your ears, I could drag you to Slughorn instead and make sure that you get a month of detentions, which will keep you from participating in the upcoming Slytherin/Gryffindor Quidditch match."

"Anything but _that_!" Sirius groaned even more loudly, allowing himself to be tugged into the Prefects' Bath.

Once they were inside, Lucius frog-marched Sirius over to the side of the massive bathtub, holding onto the other boy's grimy upper arm tightly as he turned on the taps. Sirius made no motion to try and escape, but Lucius wasn't about to allow himself to be lulled into a false sense of security.

"All right then." Lucius sighed. "Now, get in."

"With my clothes on?" came the cheeky reply.

Snorting derisively, Lucius rolled his eyes and gave Sirius a pointed look.

"Are you really _that_ stupid or are you just trying to drive me up the wall?"

Sirius grinned. "Maybe a little of both?" he asked hopefully.

"Strip. Now," Lucius replied impatiently, crossing his arms.

To his surprise, Sirius faltered. Under the blackened, sooty stains, Lucius could see that his face was growing red.

"Um... _no_." Sirius mumbled embarrassedly, refusing to meet the Slytherin Prefect's eyes. "I refuse."

Lucius was not amused. "I'm _waiting_ ," he said as he tapped his foot impatiently.

"At least turn around! Give a lady some privacy?" Sirius quipped.

"One, you are _not_ a lady and two, I was not born yesterday, Sirius Black," Lucius said, sniffing loudly. "I happen to know that your preferred method of attack is when your opponent's back is to you. That, and making sure to attack your victims three-on-one. Leave it to a Gryffindor to use such underhanded tactics."

"You take that back!" Sirius shouted, forgetting his embarrassment in a moment and drawing his wand.

"Ah, _there_ it is," Lucius purred, and in one quick flick of his wrist, he had disarmed the younger boy and summoned the wand to his hand. "I will keep _this_ for safe keeping. Don't worry, I'll return it when I have a reasonable expectation of not being hexed from behind. I'm not like you. I'm a man of my word. And _you_ shall have your privacy."

"Why I outta…" Sirius muttered darkly.

"What's all that barking about, Dog Star?" Lucius asked nastily. "Embarrassed that you were outdone by a _Slytherin_? Do give me _some_ credit. If I couldn't disarm a Second Year by this point, it'd be because I was a squib."

Lucius gave the sputtering, swearing Gryffindor space to finish undressing and turned around to face the wall, looking up at the mermaid painting as she winked and swished her tail invitingly at him. He didn't turn around until he heard a somewhat loud splash and a soggy voice saying "I'm in now. You can turn around."

Lucius turned around and tried to disguise a snort of laughter as a cough.

Sirius clung to the side of the massive bath tub looking miserable, his normally voluminous black hair hanging limply down his back and floating in the water as bubbles covered him like a dessert covered in whipped topping. His pale, skinny shoulders shivered as they hit the air, even though it was very warm and beginning to get a little steamy in the room.

In short, Sirius Black not only smelled like a miserable, wet dog but _looked_ like one as well.

Lucius tossed a sponge at the Gryffindor boy, snickering when it bounced off of the side of his soggy head.

"Be sure to scrub behind your ears," he called out as he loosened his own robes.

Lucius was not self-conscious about his body in the least. But as he pulled his dark robes over his head, he felt the urge to pause in his disrobing to glance back.

Sirius was _staring_.

He turned a bright pink when he realized that Lucius had caught him at it and began scrubbing half-heartedly behind his ears.

"Bloody Slytherin menace," he muttered, chancing a glance back only to realize that he'd been caught again. This time, he turned scarlet.

Lucius rolled his eyes. He knew now that for all his barking, Sirius Black was not prepared to bite. Quickly, he stripped down to his underwear, (aware that he was still being not-so-furtively watched), tossed everything into a pile and called for a Hogwarts house elf. One appeared upon his request and bowed humbly.

"Please take these robes down to be laundered," Lucius commanded. "Return them to this place when you have finished."

The elf bowed and disappeared with the pile of clothing without a word.

Sirius gaped. "Blimey, I didn't know they did that!"

"And you call yourself a pure-blooded wizard," Lucius replied, rolling his eyes as he dipped a foot into the warm bath water.

"Aren't you going to take off your…?" Sirius trailed off as the tall Slytherin Prefect slipped silently into the foamy bath water.

"Would you _prefer_ that I do so? I will simply use a Drying Charm on them once I am finished," Lucius replied with a shrug. "After all, you'd have to be _quite_ inventive indeed to get my underpants all messy as well."

Sirius turned scarlet at this. Lucius smirked.

 _Well, well, well, maybe he truly isn't as dense as I thought he was._

"So... er... I hear you're going to marry my cousin, Malfoy. It sure is a shame that you're being forced to do it," Sirius said, awkwardly attempting to run a hand through his matted hair with an expression that told Lucius that he'd instantly regretted doing so.

"Neither Narcissa nor I are being _forced,_ as you so gracefully put it, _Black_ ," Lucius replied, looking down his nose with disdain, "and in fact, we have spoken on several occasions about our parents' arrangements for us and we agree that it is a good match."

"Hmph," Sirius replied. "A _match_ , eh? What about _love_? Passion? Romance? You sound like you're talking about a new pair of shoes."

Lucius sniffed and grabbed the sponge from Sirius. "It's perfectly normal for a marriage to be based on connections between families instead of silly Muggle folly. Give me a _proper_ match any day over the despair of unrequited affection and people dying in the name of _love_. The fact that Muggles are so utterly obsessed with it only proves its ridiculousness."

"But…" Sirius frowned. "Haven't you ever... wondered?"

"About what?" Lucius lathered his upper body efficiently.

Sirius looked suddenly fierce. "How it would feel to finally get exactly what you _desire_ instead of merely what is acceptable?"

"Have you even _seen_ Narcissa?" Lucius replied with a cocked eyebrow. "It is obvious that she is quite beautiful. I am sure that she will be far more than simply _acceptable_."

"I wouldn't know," Sirius said angrily, looking away.

"And why is that?" Lucius replied. "You do know that your parents were considering betrothing _you_ to Narcissa before they decided upon a superior match with me."

Sirius made a gagging noise. "Don't remind me."

"What _exactly_ is wrong with her, then?" Lucius snapped exasperatedly.

"Well, other than the fact that we're cousins, which... ew... gross…" Sirius started, "it would have to be-"

He went silent, his face scarlet.

"Oh, come _on_!" Lucius replied, "You don't have to write a novel! Just give me one damn reason!"

Sirius hid behind his soggy hair, soap streaming into his downcast eyes until he shook his head and rubbed at them. He said something, but the splashing and carrying on he was causing drowned it out.

" _What_?" Lucius nearly shouted. "Come on, speak up!"

" _SHE'S NOT YOU!_ " Sirius shouted angrily, looking at Lucius with red, soap-irritated eyes. "She CAN'T be _you_ , so it doesn't matter! How the hell could I ever want to snog her much less marry her when _you_ are all I can think about?!"

His eyes widened with shock and he covered his mouth, but it was too late. Lucius stood with his eyes wide in utter bewilderment. It would have been humorous had Sirius Black not just poured out his heart to the very wizard who had professed not to believe in such silly things only minutes before.

Sirius stood and took one step in the warm water, then another, towards Lucius, who was frozen in shock, sponge still in hand.

"I'm never going to get another chance," he said, his voice wavering, the smell of wet dog drawing closer to Lucius. "So I suppose it's now or never."

Wait, wha-?" Lucius had recovered enough to stumble backwards onto his arse in the water before Sirius had pounced upon him and kissed him firmly on the lips.

Lucius was assaulted by the smell of wet dog in his nose, yet the taste was sweet and he found himself pressing back into it without consciously thinking to do so. The pressure of another body against his filled him with heat and in moments, he was very glad for all of the bubbles.

Sirius whimpered as he drew back reluctantly, the guarded expression in his eyes showing that he didn't expect a favorable reaction to his impulsivity.

"That…." Lucius said finally, his face a deep red.

"I know, I know, it'll never happen again," Sirius replied, pulling a wet strand of hair away from his face. "Just don't take more House Points, ok?"

" _Again…_ " Lucius managed in a small, strangled voice. " _Please…_ again…"

Sirius looked stunned for a moment before his body began to vibrate with energy and he looked as though he were wagging an invisible tail, ears pricked forward with excitement.

"Do you _mean_ it?"

"Oh Merlin, _yes_."

Hours later, Lucius had come to two conclusions:

One: Gryffindors were _excellent_ kissers.

Two: He still couldn't stand dogs, but could make an exception for a certain Dog Star.

He only hoped that Gryffindors were good at keeping secrets, and as the school year progressed with many more unspoken meetings at the Prefect's Bath, he learned that there was indeed a little Slytherin in Sirius Black.


End file.
